Sideswipe and Sunstreaker present: A Guide to Living with Cybertronian
by TriplechangerSpeedster1
Summary: Hey there everyone Sideswipe and Sunstreaker here! Just bringing all you crazy beings out there our tried and tested guide on how to live with us Cybertronians. Sit back, relax and don't try any of this at home! Transformers is not owned by TriplechangerSpeedster1. Nightfire and the AlleyBots are. Warning, some spoilers for Growing Up AlleyBot.
1. Rules 1-12

Everyone jumped when all the screens in the command centre, the TV in the Rec Room and the monitors in the Security Room suddenly flickered into life. As the soldiers and Autobot's of NEST continued to watch, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker appeared on the screen. The red twin was wearing a shit-faced grin whilst his brother looked as surly as ever.

"Hey there everyone, Sideswipe here along with my delightful Dandelion of Doom."

"Don' call meh dat!"

Sideswipe shook his head and grinned.

"Ignoring that lovely outburst from our charming Sociopathic Sunflower, let me tell you what's happenin' here. We have recently noticed that several of you squishies don't have a fraggin' clue about how to live with the Autobots and AlleyBots currently stuck on this mudball planet. So … we have decided (read been forced to by Prowl) to make this very simple guide to ensure no more problems between our races."

"Get on with it Sides."

"So without further ado…"

A list suddenly appeared on the screens.

 **Rule 1:** Always keep the AlleyBots away from the high grade.

-Corvette twins (we should really know better), Ironhide, Bluestreak, Smokescreen, Jazz

Although AlleyBots can and will drink everyone under the table, they should be prevented from doing so. The reason? Hungover AlleyBots are the nastiest pieces of work you'll ever encounter. Seriously, Megatron could take lessons from them. Lennox had the misfortune of learning this after one particularly long party when he went to ask Nightfire for a ride home. The door to Nightfire's room has yet to be replaced. Lennox is now receiving therapy.

* * *

 **Rule 2:** Never poke fun at the Triplets disabilities … they get even. Then their sire gets even.

-Any afthole that's ever been dumb enough to try this; Galloway, we're looking at you.

Our less than beloved Liaison learnt this after Nova overheard him going on about "useless deaf robots" when complaining about Niner seemingly ignoring him. In the next few hours Galloway's car, laptop, mobile and all the paperwork he had completed over the last week had mysteriously vanished. The whole lot was eventually found on the shooting range where Nightfire and Nexus were demonstrating a new plasma rifle they'd designed. To our dear liaison's horror the whole lot, car and all, was obliterated in a few blasts. Nightfire had just deadpanned at the shrieking liaison:

"Sorry 'bout dat … guess mah _useless_ audio's jus' couldn' 'ear yew. Min' repeatin' yerself … slowly."

Galloway will continue to be on the receiving end of such actions until he learns his lesson. Personally I hope he doesn't, it's nice to have a prank target that I don't get brigged for going after. Optimus and Prowl learnt long ago not to get involved or be dragged into the retaliation so Galloway … watch your back.

* * *

 **Rule 3:** Never startle Nightfire when he is practising with his Prime legacy.

-Ironhide, Bluestreak, Prowl, Sunstreaker (really bro?!), Optimus (why?!), Wheeljack, Lennox, Epps

'Nuff said, just don't do it. **Ever**

* * *

 **Rule 4:** The next moron to hack Niner's talk pad to only play 'This is the Song that Never Ends' whenever he tries to use it will be pranked. Extensively. And don't bother complaining to Prowl, not only has he given us a No-Brig card for this, we have his agreement that you will be brigged.

*I am looking forward to cashing in on my Prank-Free-Week card by the way (Prowl)

-You know who you are …

* Pray we neva find yew (Nightfire)

* * *

 **Rule 5:** We Cybertronians have yet to fully understand all the subtleties of the human language. Please refrain from using idioms or other such phrases without prior explanation particularly if you have an Autobot for a guardian.

-All NEST personnel

Nightfire refused to even let Lennox walk anywhere for a week after he complained about taxes 'costing him an arm and a leg'.

*It's a figure of speech you crazy AlleyBot! (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 6:** Never, ever, EVER irritate Jacker or Ratchet by committing Acts of Insane Stupidity.

-Anyone idiotic enough to try.

For a pair of cranky old medics those two have terrifying aim. And they're teaching FirstAid and Nova so watch out!

* * *

 **Rule 7:** Any and all spy films are not allowed when CodeRed and Red Alert are out of the Security Room. The poor mechs are paranoid enough as it is.

Bluestreak, Smokescreen, Corvette twins, Ironwill, Triplets, Nightfire, Jet Duo (Sureshot and Surestrike)

It gives them too many ideas okay?!

* * *

 **Rule 8:** Don't let the Jet Duo anywhere near explosives!

Epps, Corvette twins, Ironhide, Wheeljack, Jackhammer, Nexus

 **Why** would you do this you crazy fraggers?! Those two are insane enough without allowing them access to high explosives!

*When I catch whoever gave them that C4 they blew up my office with … (Lennox)

*Stop nickin' mah C4! Ah need it fer mah grenades, it's da only stuff on dis planet dat works! (Nightfire)

* * *

 **Rule 9:** Never hide the coffee from any NEST personnel who have Cybertronian guardians.

-Any moron that tries this.

Cranky coffee deprived soldiers equals cranky guardians. This then equals absolute mayhem until the coffee is recovered. So just don't do it okay? The evil glares are beginning to unnerve those who are not hopeless caffeine addicts.

*Next person to hide the bloody coffee is getting shot … and I don't care where! (Graham)

* * *

 **Rule 10:** Whoever introduced Nightfire, Ironwill, the Jet Duo and the Triplets to Red vs. Blue is a dead mech. Or squishie. I don't care, whoever did it … you're dead!

-You know who you are, keep hiding if you know what's good for you …

Every single one of Ironwill's mishaps is now met with "Nova did it". This excuse is used regardless of the incident and even Nova's location. He can be on the other side of the base sometimes!

Nexus has taken to saying "Bow chicka bow wow!" at every opportunity.

The Jet Duo appear to be imitating Church and Caboose. Granted, Surestrike is an idiot, but this does not need encouraging!

Niner keeps trying to create an AI like Alpha. (Granted if this helps him communicate then we're all for it, but perhaps you should leave programming to the experts bitlet.)

Nightfire seems to identify with Agent Washington and regularly quotes him. As noted after one particularly brutal skirmish when one of the rookie squishies called him insane. "I'm totally, completely sane … now if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body."

* * *

 **Rule 11:** The following Autobots are banned from playing Call of Duty.

-Corvette twins, Jet Duo, Bluestreak, Ironhide, Nexus, Nightfire, Jazz, Optimus (really Boss?!), Barricade (not that this is surprising), Wheeljack

Wheeljack, Jet Duo and Nexus: you four get too many ideas

Bluestreak, Ironhide, Barricade, Nightfire, Corvette twins: you lot really don't need remind us how good you are at killing things. The cries of " **BOOM, HEADSHOT**!" and " **Damn** I'm good!" are starting to scare the rookies.

Jazz, Optimus: you two just use it to procrastinate and avoid paperwork, like you need another excuse. Prowl is getting sick of picking up the slack.

* * *

 **Rule 12:** Never help a bot escape their physicals.

-Lennox, Epps, Graham, Maggie

Ratchet, FirstAid, Nova and Jacker will get even. Especially since they don't appreciate having to track down wayward patients. Revenge usually entails medical records being pulled and overdue vaccinations suddenly coming to light.

*You four are bloody sadistic! (Graham)

*I didn't even know Nightfire was trying to duck his physical! (Lennox)

*I swear you lot just made these overdue vaccinations up … (Epps)

* * *

 **That about sums the list up for now. Feel free to send in any of your own rules via review or PM.**


	2. Rules 13-24

**The next installment. Thanks to my baby bro and my dad (of all people!) for Rules 15, 18 and 19. I've given credit to those who have submitted their own rules whether by review or PM. Feel free to submit your own.**

* * *

 **Rule 13:** No Pranking Bots with feathers and glue. Then calling them birdies because they live in NEST. (Courtesy of AlloraStar217. Thanks for sending this in)

-Epps, Lennox (you're in charge of NEST, you are **supposed** to be the responsible one!), any other idiots that try this.

This rule also applies when it comes to pranking female NEST personnel. Prowl is getting sick of dealing with the aftermath.

* * *

 **Rule 14:** Never, ever, EVER make a femmeling cry! Especially if she's the adopted little sister of the Triplets and Ironwill! (Thank you Cybertronian Lover for this. She owns Timetrap who is the adopted little sister of the Triplets and Ironwill in the RP we're doing)

-Names shall not be mentioned to protect the poor afts from some very overprotective big brothers. And the even more overprotective daddy and uncles.

If you have done this and survived, you have the luck of the devil on your side. The last poor squishie that did this was dipped in honey then tied outside for the ants and other insects to crawl all over.

* * *

 **Rule 15:** Never aggravate the Wreckers! 

-You are already aware of who you are.

If you do this, we will not protect you from their wrath.

* * *

 **Rule 16:** Never go to an off base doctor.

-Lennox, Epps, Graham, rookies.

Jacker doesn't appreciate it and sulks. Nova gets insulted (even though he's only a battlefield paramedic) and will make you pay for it next time you go to him for treatment. Ratchet and FirstAid will make you undergo a check-up as soon as you return and will grumble and gripe whilst doing it about how much better they are compared to human doctors. In short, just go to the medics okay.

*No wonder Ratchet is called the Medic-of-Doom by certain Autobots who shall remain unnamed. (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 17:** We know that several soldiers have taken to teaching human sports to the more unruly Autobots and AlleyBots. But for the love of Primus keep it civil! Ratchet, FirstAid, Nova and Jacker are all getting sick of patching up sports related injuries and Optimus is starting to get sick of their moaning.

-Epps, Graham

Next time Optimus had to go in to the medbay to get patched up, Ratchet conveniently forgot to disable his pain receptors. He wasn't exactly gentle either.

* * *

 **Rule 18:** The phrase 'if it's moving salute it, if it's not then paint it' in reference to upcoming inspections does not apply on the NEST base.

-Lennox, Epps

Whilst several Autobots and AlleyBots enjoyed being saluted, the 'Vette twins didn't appreciate being painted whilst they hid behind a corner to watch a prank unfold. Lennox you are lucky Nightfire restrained Sunstreaker before he squished you.

*Fragger ruined my paint! (Sunstreaker)

* * *

 **Rule 19:** The phrase 'no combat ready unit never passes inspection and no inspection ready unit has ever passed combat' however, does apply to NEST

-Graham, Lennox, General Morshower, other as yet unnamed NEST personnel

Unless it has escaped anyone's attention, we are a base of borderline insane, trigger happy soldiers. It's all a part of our charm. If we were always ready for inspection, the Decepticons would have won by now!

* * *

 **Rule 20:** Okay, the base wide game of paintball must stop! All paintball guns are to be handed over to Prowl and you better pray to Primus he doesn't shoot you with them.

-Bluestreak, Niner (you're the **responsible** triplet! Act like it), Epps, Lennox, Hound, Mirage

Unsurprisingly almost everyone on base including those named handed over a gun, much to Prowl's amusement. (Prowl has a sense of humour, who knew?) Prowl also wishes it to be known that if he finds any more paintball guns or ammunition, the unlucky owner will be spending some quality time in the Brig.

* * *

 **Rule 21:** The next slagger to write 'Frag Me I'm, Lonely' on Optimus's aft plates will be spending time as the Wreckers personal training dummy.

This happened twice more before **FirstAid** of all bots was caught. Ratchet and Prowl were shocked. Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Nightfire and the other more likely suspects wouldn't stop laughing or rubbing it in that they were wrongfully accused. Optimus just smiled.

*We need ta induct FirstAid inta da ranks of da base pranksters! (Nightfire)

* * *

 **Rule 22:** Jazz is no longer allowed to walk around the base without supervision, especially when drunk. He may be an adult bot but he acts more like a child than the Triplets. Or the 'Vette twins come to think of it.

He gets up to far too much mischief and yet somehow manages to drag half of the base into his crazy shenanigans. Prowl and Lennox are both getting sick and tired of dealing with the aftermath. Nightfire's getting irritated because Sarah Lennox gives him grief whenever Lennox can't make it home because of him having to deal with Jazz-caused mayhem. In short, Jazz must be accompanied by a **sober** , **responsible** member of NEST at all times.

*Aww, yer no fun! (Jazz)

* * *

 **Rule 23:** Rookies, I don't give two frags what anyone else has said to you. Walking in on the femmes whether in their rooms or in their wash racks is highly inadvisable. It will only get you used as target practise, just as the 'Vette twins.

On second thoughts, don't ask Sideswipe. In fact, it would be in your best interests to just walk away whenever he starts a sentence with: "Femme's like it when ya …". It's earned him more slaps and beatings than even his pranks on Ironhide.

* * *

 **Rule 24:** The show Mythbusters is hereby banned from the base.

Wheeljack, Jackhammer and Nexus can be solely blamed for this. Not only did they nearly blow up the **entire** base, they've managed to drive NEST's budget through the roof with repairs.

*Granted, this means that we got rid of that last Budget Liaison. He was such a fragging waste of flesh. (Ratchet)

*Will you three please stop blowing the base up?! I'm getting tired of explaining to General Morshower and the President as to why we need more funds and a new Budget Liaison! (Lennox)

* * *

 **Read and review please ^_^**


	3. Rules 25-36

**The next issue of the Guide! I've credited the rules that have been suggested by readers to them. Thanks everyone who has read, faved and followed and an extra big thank you to those who have reviewed and/or contributed!**

* * *

 **Rule 25:** Can all NEST personnel please remember to not tell the Autobots that in fact they are government hidden aliens. (Thanks for sending this in AlloraStar217)

-NEST personnel

One: the 'Vette twins and the Triplets don't really see themselves as aliens. Two: it just irritates Prowl. And Lennox for that matter. Three: Red Alert and CodeRed **can and will** freak out- stop mucking about with their heads!

* * *

 **Rule 26:** X-Files is no longer allowed on base. (Again thanks to AlloraStar217)

CodeRed and Red Alert can't take much more, those two have locked down the base **five** times this **week** due to X-Files related paranoia! Soldiers are also reminded that they cannot tell the Autobots that they have some of the abilities displayed on the show: Wheeljack and Jackhammer are starting to get curious. Furthermore … it makes Prowl glitch so **no more X-Files**!

*That's just cruelty to humans! (Epps)

*The next squishie or mech to use the X-Files to make Prowl crash can clean out the entire Brig with a human size toothbrush! After that they can lock themselves in. (Ratchet)

* * *

 **Rule 27:** Apparently some individuals don't have the brain capacity to learn their lesson: if it makes you giggle for more than a minute it's a bad idea, **DON'T** do it!

-'Vette twins, Triplets, Bluestreak, Jazz, Epps, Jet Duo, Graham

You **all** should know better! Small pranks are all well and good but ones that leave the base damn near uninhabitable are **not** a good idea. Hopefully we should be able to return to Diego Garcia by next month, the biohazard squad have almost finished cleaning up.

*It wasn't supposed to happen like that?! How were we to know that Wheeljack was working on something sensitive? (Graham)

*How many times must we say we're sorry?! (Triplets)

* * *

 **Rule 28:** Moderate usage of violence does not mean you should judge by the size of the blast craters!

-Nightfire, Ironhide, Nexus, Sunstreaker

Sometimes you four need to just put down your weapons and show some **fragging self-restraint**! The meteor strike excuse is starting to become overused and the General public are starting to become suspicious.

* * *

 **Rule 29:** The popular squishie saying: "Some people just need a high five, to the face, with a chair" is true. However it should not be executed by NEST personnel or bots.

-The guilty parties are aware of who they are and should be grateful he doesn't remember what happened.

*Granted the footage of He-who-Must- **Not** -be-Reminded take multiple chairs to the face and stomach will be much watched for years to come and makes for brilliant blackmail but activities such as this are not to be encouraged okay?! (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 30:** If Nexus, Ironwill or Wheeljack ask: "Is this flammable?" RUN! Run like Megatron himself is behind you. Chances are they are now finding out the answer for themselves.

The poor hangar never stood a chance. Several rookies are now receiving treatment for burns of varying degrees and poor Bluestreak now flinches at the mere mention of explosives. Somehow the crazy trio all escaped just charred around the edges and soot covered.

* **Why**?! Why do you do this to us?! (Lennox and Prowl)

* * *

 **Rule 31:** Hugs, sweets, a pat on the head and a day in bed cannot and **will not** be prescribed by your medic. No matter how much you beg.

-Lennox, Epps, Nexus, Sideswipe, Jazz, Nightfire, Optimus (of all mechs?!), Barricade, Jet Duo

Ratchet will throw a wrench at you. Nova will grab you, teleport, and drop you in the ocean. Jacker will throw you out of the medbay and FirstAid will just glare at you until its leave or find out how far his pacifism will stretch.

*You four are cruel, conniving, creative fraggers! (Jazz)

*Why the ocean? It's full of sharks at this time of year you sadistic medic! (Epps)

* * *

 **Rule 32:** Prowl is not the base Dad and Optimus is not the base Mom.

-'Vette twins, Epps, Jazz, Jet Duo,

 **Yes** Optimus is overly forgiving and is the one everyone goes to with their emotional problems. **Yes** Prowl is the hard aft that hands out punishments like they're going out of style yet he has a softer side hidden underneath. **But**! They are **not** the base parents **okay**?! It is highly unlikely that Prowl will ever cheat on Jazz and no-one can see Optimus with anyone except Elita-One. So stop referring to them as Mom and Dad alright!

*They shouldn't act like out parents if they don't want to be called that! (Epps)

* * *

 **Rule 33:** When you are called to a meeting by your commanding officer the correct introduction is: "Reporting for duty, sir!" not "I didn't do it!" or "You can't prove anything!"

-'Vette twins, Triplets, Ironwill, Nightfire, Jet Duo, Epps, Graham, Jazz

It only makes people think you are the guilty ones when something inevitably happens that causes Lennox, Prowl and Optimus more paperwork.

* * *

 **Rule 34:** For the love of Primus, stop telling the rookies that it's "always the rookie that goes first". The amount of men having pre-combat panic attacks has doubled in the last two batches of newbies!

-Nightfire, 'Vette twins, Triplets, Ironwill, Barricade, Ironhide

You sadistic mechs! Do you not realise how many rookies you've managed to traumatize with your talk?! Prowl has decreed that should you continue you can count on some quality time in the Brig!

*Aww spoil our fun! ('Vette twins)

*It's not like we're making them believe us! If they are the best of the best then surely they aren't that gullible? (Barricade)

* * *

 **Rule 35:** Flirting with any of the base femmes, Cybertronian or human, is undertaken at your own risk. You will not be protected from angry females or over protective siblings.

-'Vette twins, Ironwill, Nexus, Jet Duo

Angering femmes is just plain stupid! Angering a femme who has Ironhide as an older brother is even more stupid! When will you scrap head's learn?

*How were we to know that Flare-up was Ironhide's baby sister, it's not like they look alike! (Triplets)

*You miscreants come near my sister again and I'll use you for target practise! (Ironhide)

* * *

 **Rule 36:** It's quite simple really: touch Ratchet's or Jacker's tools and die a painful, medically educational death.

-If you have tried this, you have issues my friend

Those two are very territorial when it comes to the medbay and its contents so it is for the good of your own health that you don't muck about in there.

*When it's either behave or have a round of 'Dodge the Wrench' I think I'll stick with behaving! (Ironwill)

* * *

 **Feel free to send in your own rules. Until next time, keep reading ^_^**

 **P.S: Whoever can guess the unfortunate in Rule 29 will get a oneshot of whichever Rule they pick as a future chapter. (It's not Galloway; that would make things too easy)**


	4. Rules 37-48

**I am so sorry that I haven't updated any of my stories recently. A horrible combination of writers block, extra shifts at work and exam result induced stress just meant I didn't really have anything to put on the typed page. Hopefully now I can get back to writing and updating at least semi-regularly.**

 **Thanks to Cybertronian Lover for their contribution to this chapter. Fell free to keep sending more Rules in. I'll also do one-shot requests for Rules if asked.**

 **So with out further ado.**

* * *

 **Rule 37:** No more cos-play. **Ever**. This goes for both humans and holoforms okay. No-one needs a repeat of Epp's and Fig's epic rendition of fight between Vader and Luke; that ended with both soldiers in Ratchet's not so tender mercies.

-Everyone, there are no exceptions to this particular rule

Fig had both his legs broken and cracked his skull when he smashed into the ground (having tried to pull off Luke's escape from Vader in Episode V). Epps busted his arm and cracked three ribs. Ratchet was **NOT** impressed.

*So not fair! I had a really good Stormtrooper costume planned out as well. Now I'll have to wait 'til Halloween. (Lennox)

*Any moron's that end up in my med-bay because of these sorts of stunts can deal with Nova as their physician. I refuse to deal with any more stupidity! (Ratchet)

* * *

 **Rule 38:** Coinciding with Rule 37; no cross-dressing! Seriously, it's weird. And certain soldiers do **not** suit women's clothes. And **never** will.

-Lennox, Epps; we're looking at you two

Prowl glitched so badly when he saw Lennox wandering around in his wifes clothes he actually fried part of his battle computer. Certain medics were obviously **very** unhappy because of this. And let's not go into how many mechs were traumatised when Epps decided to join in. We don't have a regular base therapist yet okay?! So please stop terrifying both mechs and soldiers!

*Lennox … I really, really 'ate you righ' now fer scarin' my boys. Enjoy walking home for the nex' month afthole! (Nightfire)

*Anybot willing to give a tired Major a lift for the next month? Please? (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 39:** Don't play Nyan Cat around the base. (Thanks Cybertronian Lover for sending this in)

-Epps, Fig, Maggie, Graham

Seriously … don't. Just don't; Ratchet, Jacker, Nova and FirstAid are sick of patching up shorted out audios and fixing glitched processors.

*I don't really see the problem with it, the cat's pretty funny. (Niner)

*That's because you can't hear the Primus damned tune! (Nexus)

* * *

 **Rule 40:** No fireworks are allowed without the presence of two **responsible** officers!

-Everyone

Jazz, Nightfire, Nexus, Wheeljack … this means you four are officially banned from touching the fireworks, especially after last time.

Responsible officers: Optimus, Ultra Magnus, Prowl, Ratchet

We should have finished repairing the craters in the main runway by next week. We had to prioritise this for the safety of the flyers amongst us after Skyfire crashed into one of the craters coming in for a landing. He should be out of medbay soon.

*Um … oops? (Nexus)

*It seriously was not supposed to happen like that! (Wheeljack)

* * *

 **Rule 41:** Do not play the Jaw's theme whenever any of the medics walk by

-'Vette twins, Niner, Nexus, Ironwill, Nightfire, Jazz, Jet Duo, Barricade, Jackhammer

Not only does it seriously irritate the medics, Nova and Ratchet in particular, but Nova will actually use you as shark bait. He has done this before and seems immune to reprimands. Beware cranky teleporting paramedics.

*Well **excuse me** for wanting to study the feeding behaviour of the local sharks. (Nova)

*Nova! We don' use bot's or humans as shark bait. Ah though' ah told yew dat! You nearly go' Lennox eaten. (Nightfire)

*Nightfire … are any of your brood actually sane? (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 42:** No Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy when Prowl is around. It makes him glitch when trying to find the answer to life, everything and the universe.

-NEST personnel, 'Vette twins, Triplets, Ironwill

It's 42 by the way.

*Aw c'mon! I love that film … (untranslatable Spanish). (Fig)

*Keep it in English dude. (Epps)

*Stop it now before you two get one of your arguments going. (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 43:** Don't mess with or mix up Sunstreaker's and Nexus's paint supplies. Ever.

-To protect their endangered afts no names shall be mentioned.

Seriously those two are sociopathic enough without poking holes in their oversized egos as well. Neither Nightfire or Sideswipe will protect you from Sunstreaker's wrath. Niner, Nova, Ironwill and Nightfire will just sit back and watch the Nexus-caused chaos if someone messes with his paints.

*Some beings are just gluttons for punishment. (Prowl)

*Did you ever drop Nexus on his head Nightfire? He seems to have a few sanity issues. (Epps)

*Yeah. (Nightfire)

o_O

* * *

 **Rule 44:** Never wake up any of the soldiers or frontliners up with an air horn or any other type of similar device. Even if they are in your way.

-Galloway you aft!

Unless no-one's noticed yet, we are a base of veterans and many of us have developed the habit of keeping weapons very close to hand. Especially as many of us will fall asleep on the most comfortable surface that's close to hand if we've just come back from a long patrol or mission. If you do not want to get stabbed/shot/incinerated then please follow this rule. For the sake of your own fragile hides.

We no longer accept responsibility for any injuries that are obtained when participating in this stupidity.

* * *

 **Rule 45:** Do not ever question the various types of bond that are present amongst the NEST crew.

Nightfire and the 'Vette twins have a sibling bond. As do Ironwill and the Triplets, Ratchet and Wheeljack, and the gestalt teams.

Prowl and Jazz have a couple bond. So do Ironhide and Ratchet, Optimus and Elita One, and Nexus and Beachhead.

The humans partnered with Autobot's share a guardian bond with them. Epps and Jazz for example. Those partnered with AlleyBot's share what they call a battle brother bond. Like Lennox and Nightfire.

* * *

 **Rule 46:** Just because Sunstreaker, Nexus, Nightfire and Crosshairs are some of the most sociopathic afts you will ever meet, it doesn't mean that they will leave you high and dry in the heat of battle. Please, for your own safety, never imply such.

Afts they may be, but they would never leave any fellow mechs or soldiers behind. Sure they may not be nice about it, Nightfire and Sunstreaker in particular, but they won't leave you.

However, be prepared for the inevitable snarky teasing from Nexus or a hefty dose of Crosshair's special brand of sarcasm if they are the one's rescuing your ungrateful hides.

* * *

 **Rule 47:** Just like with the coffee, never hide the base's supply of beer.

-Certain sad, strange little men with no sense of humour

Look. Sometimes the soldiers of NEST need to unwind after a particularly tough mission. Beer is usually involved in such unwinding sessions. Lennox and his team all carry weapons even when on the base and know how to **use** them. So **stop** hiding the damn beer!

*An' ah'll 'elp recover dat beer … an' ah won' be nice 'bout it so put it back! (Nightfire)

* * *

 **Rule 48:** The Jurassic Park series is now banned from the base.

Reason 1: the Dinobot's get over excited and will go so far as to lock everyone else out of the Rec Room while they watch the entire series without a break.

Reason 2: Wheeljack and Perceptor get … ideas. Dangerous ideas. No-one wants a repeat of the 'Baby Dino Incident'.

Reason 3: The more logical bot's get irritated at all the palaeontological inaccuracies that are present throughout the films. This can lead to either glitching or the irritated bot pointing out every inaccuracy as it shows up, much to the rest of the viewer's displeasure. Nova nearly damaged his intakes laughing when he had to pull the variety of pillows out of Ironwill's joints and mouth.

*Shame, I really like that series. At least I can watch it online. (Fig)

*I was spittin' bits of pillow for a week 'cause of these films! (Ironwill)

* * *

 **That's all for now. Keep reading and reviewing please ^_^**


	5. Rules 49-60

**Finally! I'm so sorry I didn't have time to finish this until this morning. The French Alps may be beautiful but their lack of internet sucks! Anywho, here's Rules 49-60, credit's gone where its due. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Rule 49:** Role playing Dungeons and Dragons is now forbidden. (Thanks AlloraStar217 for sending this in. Sorry it's late.)

-Epps, Fig, Maggie, Jazz, Bluestreak, Jet Duo, Optimus (why Boss Bot; why?!)

The AlleyBots hate being jumped or attacked by so-called 'Wizards' and 'Knights' for treasure. Nexus has threatened to not hold back next time he's dropped on from the rafters. Ergo, someone's going to run the risk of being either bitten or used as target practise.

Furthermore, Ratchet (although lovingly referred to as the 'Hatchet' and bearer of the delightful moniker 'Medic-of-Doom') is not an ogre! He **will** throw several wrenches at you, and will hit you, if you attack him for potions.

Boss, this means **no more** encouraging the soldiers by playing the 'Wise Elder' and giving out riddles to find the 'treasure'. Sorry but Prowls orders must be implemented, however reluctantly.

*Seriously?! D&D was one of the only things in this mad house that kept me sane! (Epps)

*Ratchet should be a sniper, not a medic! (Graham)

*Yeah well, ah'm serious 'bout bitin' da nex' fragger dat jumps meh fer treasure. (Nexus)

* * *

 **Rule 50:** Back to the Future is only allowed to be watched in the privacy of your own rooms. (Again thanks to AlloraStar217.)

-NEST personnel, Skyfire, Jet Duo, Wheeljack, Jackhammer

Sorry you lot but it just causes too many issues amongst the rest of us.

Wheeljack, Jackhammer; you two tried to replicate the gadgets from the series and failed spectacularly. The resulting tear in the space/time continuum took half the science labs with it by the time it sealed up.

Everyone else, there are too many arguments over different parts of the series as well as unauthorised requests for time machines and other gadgets. These will not be made! So stop asking.

* * *

 **Rule 51:** While we have no problems explaining our history and culture to you squishies, can you please remember that we are **very** different from you. In other words, if you don't like what you hear, then frag off!

-Certain fraggers who need to either shut up or just leave.

Nightfire was explaining our Creation story to the sparklings whilst Lennox and Epps were listening when a certain someone decided to make an unacceptable derogatory comment. That someone had to then dodge a seething AlleyBot and two angry soldiers. He has now been escorted off the base and will not be returning. Both to stop Nightfire from killing him and to ensure that there are no more deliberate insults towards either of our races.

*Da bitle's gotta know dere 'istory! If dat slagger come's bac' ah'll kill 'im mahself! (Nightfire)

*Prejudice is not tolerated on this base. Any other offenders will be punished severely. (Lennox)

* * *

 **Rule 52:** Ironwill and the other Praxian AlleyBot's are not searching for Paradise, no matter what you see on Wolf's Rain. (For Wolfimus Prime. Enjoy!)

-Graham, Maggie, Fig

Just because they look like wolves doesn't mean they are wolves. None of them had even heard of Wolf's Rain until Ironwill looked it up.

*It was a joke! We didn't expect you lot to take it literally. (Graham)

*Gotta admit tho', I kinda like Tsume outta all da wolves. (Ironwill)

* * *

 **Rule 53:** If our resident explosives experts start running away … KEEP UP!

-Everyone

No seriously, you need to keep up. Failure to do so is usually followed by severe bodily harm due to the explosion that you were obviously too glitched to avoid. Fig should be out of medbay soon, hopefully he has learnt his lesson.

*Seriously you lot! When Wheeljack, Jackhammer and Nexus are running away you need to realise that something's wrong! (Optimus)

*Even ah kno' dat! (Nightfire)

* * *

 **Rule 54:** If a flyer say's 'Watch this!' please notify Medbay. That and try and discourage the idiot before they hurt themselves. Or you can just sit back and watch the inevitable mayhem.

-All NEST personnel

Flyers most likely to pull stupid stunts: Jet Duo, FireFlight, Skywarp, Nexus

Also, don't forget that our resident medics will be very cranky after dealing with certain morons that never learn their lesson. The Medbay is best avoided after such incidents occur for say … at least a week.

*Remind me again why we let Skywarp and Thundercracker defect? All Skywarp seems to do is land himself in Medbay after doing something stupid. (Prowl)

*You do realise I am not his keeper? If my trine mate wants to do something stupid, I can no sooner stop him than you. (Thundercracker)

*Nex' … so 'elp me if I have to trea' anotha sprained wing join' ah will replace both your wings wit' dem pinwheels the base kids are so fond of! (Nova)

* * *

 **Rule 55:** It's a widely accepted fact that Nightfire and Prowl can't stand one another. In fact they fragging hate each other. Don't question why, for your own sakes.

-Everyone.

Just don't bring it up. Ever. There are some things that should not be dug up and the reasons behind this … for your safety just leave well enough alone.

*But … I don't understand the issue (Epps)

*Believe us Epps, its best if ya le' it be. (Sideswipe)

* * *

 **Rule 56:** Deactivation by Enraged Pacifist is not a legitimate way of offlining. Please do not attempt it.

-'Vette twins, Nightfire, Triplets, Ironwill, Skywarp, anyone else stupid enough to try this

Although both FirstAid and Skyfire are known pacifists, they have limits like the rest of us. It is admittedly funny watching Nexus, Sideswipe and Skywarp flee from a loudly swearing Skyfire (who had been painted to look like one of those taxi things you squishies are so fond of); but we like our only shuttle-former to stay with the Autobot's thank you. Next time, he may just take Starscream up on his offer and join the Decepticons! And for a pacifist, FirstAid has deadly aim. He **can and will** tranquillize you next time you try to duck a physical if you've irritated him enough recently.

*We're sorry! (Three idiots)

*You should be! Do you know how long it took to get my original paintjob back?! (Skyfire)

*And I am NOT a taxi! (Skyfire)

*Shame you won't pick up a weapon for combat 'Aid. You're almost as good as Bluestreak and that's saying something. (Jazz)

* * *

 **Rule 57:** Crutches are not weapons!

-Nexus, Nightfire, Lennox, Graham, Epps, 'Vette twins

Will you seven stop having mock battles with the crutches!? They are meant to help you continue your daily lives around the base, not bash each other to pieces. Ratchet, FirstAid, Jacker and Nova have had enough of crutch related injuries.

*Aww c'mon man! Crutch fights are the best! (Lennox)

* **NO**! (The Medics)

* * *

 **Rule 58:** When dealing with the Trio in one of their moods, please consult The Trio Manual – A Guide to Dealing with Idiots by CMO Ratchet.

-Everyone

This simple, comprehensive guide covers everything from one of Sideswipe's pranking sprees to Nightfire having a total meltdown and punching the first unfortunate to cross his path. Ownership is practical a necessity on the NEST base and Ratchet always has spare copies in the Med-bay. If you have just joined NEST and do not yet have your own copy, please see Prowl before the day is out.

*We ain' idiots! (Trio)

*That is definitely up for debate … one that would last several vorns. (Ratchet)

* * *

 **Rule 59:** Do not ever spike the regular energon with Trio Brew. We need High Command to remain sober so the rest of us don't have to deal with Galloway and other politicians.

-Jazz, Trio, Triplets, Ironwill

Trio Brew is the most potent, tank corroding high grade currently on base. And also the most illegal. Because Prowl has been unable to find the still as of yet cubes still appear at every party. However, seeing as just one cube can make most mechs overcharged and three can induce the unfortunate falling into the realm of unconsciousness (see Lennox, we can use human words!) there is a strict ban on its consumption. This goes for all mechs and femmes on and off base. So stop spiking the regular energon with the blasted stuff!

*We don' ge' any complain's 'bout our brew. (Nightfire)

*That's because everyone's too overcharged to care! (Prowl)

* * *

 **Rule 60:** Never mix sugar into a bot's fuel. Even as a prank.

-Epps, Graham

Two words: Sugar High. Even Prowl will end up talking fast enough to put Bluestreak to shame and will be generally hyperactive and insane until the sugars all out of his system. And if the Trio or Triplets have been affected … it's for your own safety that you hide in the nearest designated safe room. Affected bots usually won't remember what happened whilst on their sugar highs so any videos or images taken for the purpose of blackmail will have limited effects. Especially with the more shameless bots.

*And I'm sick of flushing out and repairing sugar damaged tanks! Not to mention dealing with the 'sugar hangovers'. Next scrapping glitch that tries this insanity will find themselves on the receiving end of a wrench! (Ratchet)

* * *

 **Hope you liked this installment ^_^ The 25th reviewer will get a free Rule Oneshot of their choice (either their own Rule or a current one). Seeing as no-one answered the other challenge a few chapters ago ... it was Graham. Sometime's his rule abiding ways just frustrate everyone, especially when he decides to go on a pranking spree after just having a go at the Trio for doing such things.**

 **I can't promise when the next installment will be out now that I'm back at Uni but I'll get one up as soon as I can.**


End file.
